Shifty.

 

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Make of this what you will.

I am grown and tired.

The chase, the guess ,inane games.

I will reiterate, please listen.

I’m too grown for this , lost my auction at assumptions gates, the will to stand shifty tides, sort through mixed signals and read between ill, faintly crafted lines. The world is moving and I must scurry along with it.

I have no room for guesses or tic tac toes on where you stand.

are you here or there?’,

this is no lovers brawl, no tug of war either. I have given enough self, I must preserve what is left for me. Regrettably, I have left too much space for your frivolities, and wished for too long that you abandon juvenile manners. Time has taught me to careless for drifty ways.

I will not read minds, poetry awaits.

I will not chase, I have given up feline ways.

I will not plead for intentionality or open honesty.

I will not bleed for trust, still, I’ll stay worthy of it.

I will not push for transparency or leap out of comfort zones to comprehend the unsteadiness of your tides.

I will not intently open my souls doors for you, still I shall not close them. I refuse to present you with the chance to betray my efforts. Again.

I will not wait to catch hints and pick up crumbs of real intent. I simply do not have the time. Frankly, I care not for wavering allies.

Come if you will, stay if wish, go if you please.

whatever you please, be intentional.

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Station: query

answer

 

For as long as I can remember, I have also been the child with the questions. Granted, I frequently lacked the courage to ask them all or lacked the right words to get the question across properly, still, I had them. These questions plagued my mind, I am embarrassed by the sheer idiocracy of  some, like  what’s pigment in white makes is different from cream? or pink from red? how was the chemical formula of water discovered? what was the scientist searching for? what about water piqued his/her curiosity? how did one know oxygen was oxygen? its gas really so how then was it discovered? some of these questions stupid as they are run deeper than others, like who the hell thought about other planets, meshed up theories of the earth being round and suspended by gravity while holding hands with other planets. How did one think all these up? who is/was their plug? can I have his number? cos Ill need to be on what they were on the get these answers.

There are things I do not understand, I have been told that knowledge is power, ignorance is a fools meal. still, all the knowledge gathered on love we turn puppets to its whippings. (I boldly claim my ignorance). why is falling in love synonymous with loss of common sense? synonymous with hurt, synonymous with forms of paint that hurt to think up. On this hierarchy, I comprehend  family levels only.( one cant understand what they don’t know). maybe I’m cynical, noble prized skeptic even. I have heard enough stories to aid my brain in building  bricks around my thorax. They say love makes the world go round still, here we are all these loving just to be stable. Not enough love to stop death, not enough to keep diseases at bay, never enough to lock a lovers groins and certainly, not enough to seduce a bank account into obesity so, enlighten me,what then is this word that commands such human foolery? why is love not enough? why is something so simple always so complex? will I ever know? will I ever let myself know? lord, will I act a fool too?…. fear.

A thousand ways to blasphem, I do not what my sentence will be at this point. The questions I think of but cannot ask. lest I stray too far from the light and delve into parts of atheism I cant afford. still, why is Christianity so hard?  So, you didn’t choose to be born but you gotta fight to live, have to fight to die right so you can live eternally?. Dare I ask more? I know God knows everything, so he does know the end from the beginning right? why then were humans created? we are to unholy, too fickle, too unworthy for this grace so graciously granted to us. our spirit is willingly but flesh stay weak some days, the spirit willeth not either. will you teach us better lord? answer our hearts drill too? forgive this ignorance please? maybe? yes?

 

 

3:45am : I have questioned natured but never lasted long enough for its answer, I know not to question drowsy eyes and a spent brain….

#random

meh….

Everything but nothing.

Grey is the blandest colour. It doesn’t scream but isn’t drowsy either. it swings on a fence just enough to not be completely ignored. how meh, It is the blandest feeling too. Nothing  is wrong but nothings right either.

Some days, dawn comes with its party, other days it drags melancholy with it. You feel peace but you don’t quite taste happiness still, far from sadness.

My tongue doesn’t know me sometimes, other times it amazes me. how can one have everything but nothing? be so much but so little? how does one be sunlight and still carry this much gloom. Its not sadness, just gloom.

Many, many friends but still no one. Be so loved but easily discarded. usefully useless, accommodated but not accepted. alone but surrounded.

 

what is it when you feel everything but nothing?

not enough sadness to be pitied not enough happy to be noticed

oh so tastefully bland. grey.

 

wolf and woman.


shape shifter.

There are a few things I find completely amazing.  ‘woman’ is somewhere after God and before medicine. Really, think about it. have you see anything more astounding?

Youjin Lee 이유진:

I am out  having lunch with a friend who is the epitome of a strong, independent and easily intimidating if  your man guts aren’t firmly rooted. somewhere between her oven knuckles and our almost heated debate her man friend calls. My girl goes from fire breathing to vanilla voice and wind soft. I am perplexed. I realize then that this is power gifted to us by Phanes. The  ability to change swiftly,go from fire to ice in a second. Get an attitude for a lover but bend voice, distort body, speak honey before favours are asked. Brew his Ego, butter him up, feed him mirages of power then ask what it is and receive graciously mother told me once,you must learn the art of shape shifting.

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There are brands of magic not all can experience. the art of child birth. Although it is a mans world, this one power they will never have, a brand of intimacy the male specie will never  afford. I imagine it to be a pretty bitter,sweet and scary experience. of scary things I do not write.

Jacqueline Bissett is an illustrator, expertized in Hand drawn and book illustrations:

 

Hellen of troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. 

Countries will go to war, brothers turn foes, years of friendship crumble at her feet, man loses his will, his wit, man dines with sheep. My good friend once entertained thoughts of leaving his job cos his lover fancied men of a different profession. I couldn’t fathom this for days,Some men have left wives, neglected kids and morals for  mistresses who have mastered the art of finesse. still, its a mans world they say, a moment of laughter, now silence. There is great make believe at work.  The art of finesse.

 

I have learnt, there are things one simply doesn’t get in the way of. A woman deep in love, a woman scorned, a woman with a mission, A mother fighting for her kids. A wolf watches, learns from her. similarities.

 

                                                   some days,

                                      I am more wolf than woman.

                      I am still learning to stop apologising for my wild   ~Nikita Gill.     

bougie

Overlook The City.:

I have always thought, it would be nice to live by the sea. To be sent to bed by the peaceful bustling of beach waves. Something about peace, serenity and its beauty makes me humbled.

I have dreamt of weaving through a city with bright night lights, to be wakened by croissants and butter dancing in its air at dawn. something about baking and pastries makes me think of goodness and tranquil dust.

snippets of a life that’s not mine.

 

what do you think of?

 

 

 

Wanderer.

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I like the word random, how it doesn’t refer to anything in particular , just something random, like thoughts and random posts. how random. There is nothing particular about this post.

I wonder sometimes if the sun  tires from shining or if the moon kisses the stars wrongly some days so they get mad at each other and have a brawl over who comes out that night.

I wonder if God ever tires of  being God, cos truly watching us wallow in our cycle of sins  must get painfully exhausting. I also have questions about God, life and heaven but I think voicing them would be blasphemy so I never ask.

I wonder why humans suffer, why peace never comes and evil seems to be on an all time best roll.

I think of how ironic it is that best friends make the best enemies .If love is the greatest gift, how is it never enough sometimes? Nothing is ever sure. Today you could be served on a Gold platter but tomorrow you’ll be serving.

I think of mothers that never see their kids grow, children that never get to have parents, people who never feel love and how much hate we have in the world. Being mean is the new cool. using another seems to be the order of the day. caring too much is the fastest way to die young, being nice is a good way to build yourself a coffin.

Here we are millennials, grown babies,living fast. How is it that the wokest of all generations seems to be the most lonely? the darnest things hit the news everyday and for a second, just a second fear for the future grips me. In these moments, I seat down and I’m  be humbled by how drastic change can be. how a second can be the difference between life and death. how a post, a like, a tweet, a new slang can trigger a whole generation.

I think about time, how precious it is, how easy it is to waste, how vexing it is when another wastes yours. I think about the complexity of emotions, anger, sadness, happiness. how do we feel them? what exactly do we feel? learned behaviour?. I think about time again and how its 3:45am now, I should be asleep, but as a millennial you already know insomnia is only for cool kids.

I think about how random these thoughts are, how I might never get answers .wanderers mind.

3am rituals.

 

 

 

 

 

‘They’

There is nothing romantic about suffering.

 

I am constantly torn between ‘all or nothing’ and  ‘half a loaf beats none’. Why cant I have a whole loaf? what good is half when it only angers my hunger? why must I be okay with half baked everythings, love, food,sucess, happiness? cant one have it all? demand it even.

Sometimes I am convinced,we are so used to pain we don’t want anything else. Cant expect anything else.

I have gotten into feuds and blood roiling  arguments with good friends cos I cant understand why they must stay with a lover that hands them half baked love. They are visibly trying more, want more and are sometimes constantly telling tales of their lovers disregard or laxity towards them. soon as I  suggest they demand more or walk away , I become Dj khaled’s “they” or they conclude that I do not understand cos I am single or have never really been in love. This is usually where lines are drawn as emotions are skipping dangerously, words are geared to hurt and to be very honest, I am tired of them being tired of their lovers not giving enough.

I have also often wondered do they not love themselves enough?. I know they deserve better, do they not know the same?. Is everybody so scared of being alone that we would all take passive lovers, past memory  partners (i.e, he is nice. One time he got me ice cream) great, guess you only needed  ice cream once. (they text you after months and you throw a party) . If this is what being in love entails I should be glad I’m out of it.

 

Then, dare you decide or refuse to  participate in this suffering. LMAO.

you must think you’re special.

I say I don’t understand why a man who claims to love me can’t be consistent, be nice to me, text me regularly, make an effort, they say I am high maintenance or living in fairy tales. well I am sorry I think a lover should at least  have basic human characteristics.

And who am I to have dreams bigger than me. loool. They say you are dreaming, these things don’t happen this way, life doesn’t work that way, you can dream but it may not come true.

On  marriage and other stressful things:

I think I need a brand new post for this.

Have you tried asking  people why they get into unhappy marriages, become worse versions of themselves everyday and still don’t walk away from such toxicity?. Something about pain and stress just makes us want to stay, brings out our resilience…

 

Pain is addictive I have realised…

 

There is so much I feel we become comfortable with just cos having one is better than none…Our jobs, evil bosses, friendships, you name it. how ever I feel love, dreams and marriage are some we just are so annoyingly happy to endure…

Young, Unreal, delusional, hilarious are some of the tags I have been giving cos of these questions . Maybe I am all those things, Ill rather be those than unhappy, suffering or romanticising pain.

but what do I know?488378140

 

 

 

Flowers.

 

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Today I thought about flowers, how delicate they are, how beautiful but how so easily they destruct. Beautiful things are the most fragile I have realized.

we were beautiful.

At least I thought we were. The roots we planted with time bloomed into something so jealously beautiful.Too many secrets shared to be just friends but not enough courage to be lovers. “frovers” . Guess that’s the thing about sitting on  fences and gray lines, nothing really is clear.

One phone call too many, one joke too many, one 3am conversation too many. I say “I’m sad” and you listen, “if  you’re sad I’m sad and that’s bad for me” you’ll say.  Next you crack dry jokes till I get mad and you say “mad is always better than sad”cos you know I cant stay mad long so I’ll be fine soon. cheesy acts. One too many.

Days after we fight about nothing, you say you’re sorry and you missed me. I’m sorry  too but my pride is broken, I missed you too but we don’t do sentimental stuff so I reply with something goofy like ‘I know’, ‘I cant live without me either’. you chuckle and I can  hear the disappointment in your voice. like maybe this once you wish I would reply different. I wish I would too. sometimes I almost do, My mouth opens and goofiness gets the best of me. fear maybe?. I do not know what it is I am afraid of but I know I should be. I am .you ask about my day, what I ate and how I have been.so much happened in the past days so I hurry to fill you in . I Tell you about my mean  professor and my patient from days ago And the new guy I think I may like. God! I have missed you.

Our friends say we should be lovers, get married, we laugh it off. But that’s the hitch with laughing too much, your tummy starts to hurt and next your heart starts to hurt too. They say rumour spreads fast, pain spreads faster. I say I don’t like your new girl friend the older one laughed better. you say the guy I like should treat me better , I deserve better. No we are  not jealous just looking out for each other. That’s what we always do.

That’s what we used to do. things change , people change, feelings change.

I thought about you  today, I had a bad day and you’re the only one I wanted to call. I felt sad today and wondered if that would still make you sad. would it still be bad for you?

I thought about you today, I wanted to tell you I was sorry and I miss you. Its been months since we last spoke,you no longer pick your calls. I got the message, I no longer try.

I thought about you today and felt my heart half break. Instagram and our friends say life’s been good with you.

That’s the problem with ‘frovers‘, you loose a friend and an almost lover. your heart breaks twice and neither breaks even.

Beautiful things are fragile they say.

I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

Heart wants love…sometimes

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  Its not always sunshine and rainbows. Some days its hard.This life,being single. Baeless. Some nights solitude cant quite drive the cold away or the need to talk to someone. And Independence couldn’t beat being taken care of or cuddled.Being alone is hard sometimes, they dont tell you this.

       Some days the heart wants more than just food and space.It wants to love, be loved, be mushy and feel this things too.On these days I almost envy them.In relationships.I want to get mad or be angry at another too.just for the fun of it maybe I dont really know.Other days when I see how much work and energy they put into it I am not quite so jealous.

I wonder often, what it must mean to be in this things. Are they the first people you want to talk to when you rise at dawn? or the last  you think of when your bones are tired from the days work?.I thought we had family for that.

     Well, then I have been told there is the sex.Its constant, always available. You dont have to worry on days when the hormones are racing. But arent there lots in celibate relationships? or why cant we just be f***buddies then? *excuse my french* :).I mean really? is it worth all the stress,heart, head and even body aches.?some get pregnant,have their life changed forever, good friendships get squashed and deep horrific scars are left all in the name of “bae”. On weak days when I think of all of this I am good. like “nah”… no worries Ill stay loyal to singletons club.

Then the worse happens.When one grows tired. sparks no longer fly and all the butterflies in your tummy die with each kiss,both become irritants to each other, still, none is brave enough to state the obvious.Break it off. And if this emotional death is one sided,you put nails to the others coffin when you finally find the courage to be free.leaving them to bury their feelings.And lick their wounds from the hurt closure couldn’t quite heal.

However,on days like this where “SINGLE” is an overridden boat and loneliness is deep in my veins,I almost dont mind. Ill grumpily  lend my time to be wasted,lend forgiveness and let a fellow invade my space without over-analysis or panic attacks.Ill fall in love while hoping I land on soft pillows with strength enough to pick myself up when pillow feathers become thorns.

                                                           ********

resolutions …or nah?

HEY!!!! ITS A NEW YEAR!!  YAAAAY!!!

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I know its kinda late but I am super duper excited, and very extra grateful to the good lord for the opportunity to see the new year. The many new opportunities awaiting, new possibilities, new friendships,chapters  to be written in the next 12 months clean slate!. :).

Happy as I am about this new year, I keep feeling like I  wasted all of last year.I accomplished absolutely NOTHING.  pT7rarzjc

I really didn’t make any resolutions( I actually never do). However, I think passively  at the back of my mind the usual  ‘FOCUS and LOSE WEIGHT’ tags were on repeat. needless to say none of that happened. rather the opposite of both.

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SOOO, I decided to do away with the silent resolutions and try the PROPER  resolutions this year.Hopefully I accomplish them or atleast come close to doing so. NO PRESSURE!!!. *actually, little pressure*. I also made sure to make my list real slim to avoid Huge disappointments. Most of all I am going to try to enjoy the journey.here we go. like I said no pressure.

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1.LOOSE WEIGHT: giphy (4)

This is my biggest one.while I am not exactly a whale yet, I am not skinny either . I think of doing this every year or after every large meal but I see the next meal and I forget all about it. The spirit is willing but the flesh is TRES weak.  But this year, fitfam is a must!.16707430-Emoticon-showing-his-muscular-arm-with-heart-tattoo-Stock-Vector

2.BE MORE FOCUSED: Focused is a great word for this category as I am currently the queen of laziness, procrastination and distraction.from school, to personal relations, God, you name it. I need to get back on my A game.

3.START A BUSINESS: well, you know a girl is trying to match her credit balance to her taste so COINT  must be made. I like expensive things and I cannot lie. but the way my account balance is set up…..long story short, I have a few business ideas but I don’t mind suggestions and if you wanna partner up, hit a girl up. Just leave a comment below and i’ll check my schedule.

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All jokers and scammers step away from the comment section thank you.

4. LOVE MYSELF: This is another major this year. 2016 would be a very self centered year.  yes! I would be very selfish with my time, energy and space. Extensive life detox would be happening this year. I am the sole focus this year. Ill be spending time with myself. learning all I possibly can on self love ,self forgiveness, Insecurities, flaws and other beautiful things. Kanye a’int got noting on me .so everything or anyone toxic would be flushed out.

5.ENJOY PROCESS 1~4.

So there you have it! my resolutions in actual writing. I am very terrified now they actually are real.do you have resolutions? what are they? maybe be we can do some together. MAY the odds be in our favor.