Damned.

 

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Everything I never told you.

There are parts of me I have not yet discovered. Other parts of me come to live only when the sun slips Into its grave. There are days when I shock myself and days when I am irritated by how simply ordinary this soul can get.

Something about my space  brings me joy,no intruders just me. Still, something about crowds makes me almost glad, to be lost, feigning sanguine, wearing my extrovert perfectly.

I am my fathers daughter. I have no time for frivolities, sentiments, fervours or headless carelessness. Time is money ,it should not be wasted. Space is personal, it shall not be invaded. The head is the only organ that leads governace by any other is futile.

Logic is my foundation and trust is a fools delight. Still, something about you leaves me damned. love is for ignorant schmucks but you make me crave ignorance.

I want you in my space, soaking up air, intruding with no apologies, wasting time I don’t have,folding clothes you haven’t bought.

I want to fight over nothing and everything.

peace is paramount but for you, I’d start a riot, send my members to war and bask in their wreckage. With you, my logic quivers, head looses its hold and my heart attempts a coup, all of me slugs still, I’m willing, ready,I surrender….

when you do eventually break me, pray you leave flowers by my pieces, a funeral befitting.

There would be no recovery here..

damned.

 

 

 

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Awards and what~nots.

IMG_5158April always rolls in with its jokes, but sometimes, it drags random,half minded decisions in with it…getting this blog 3 years ago was one of the half baked decisions. It comes with surprises too, like, a liebetser award…yaay!!.

so,pened in geniuz was nominated by the uber artsy memoirs of alexander? for the liebster awards.whoever said doctors were boring clearly hasn’t read her blog. Treat your self to something nice,Visit her super versatile blog you will be inspired, fall into reveries or find your self delving into the worlds of astrology….like I said versatile.

We can all agree that I’m a coolie now yeah?.. no? okay

well, lets get to quizzing…

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W hat country/city would you love to live in and why?

I must confess, my heart is splitting. france or Greece. Ever so often, south of france calls me still,  I feel like Santorini is where my heart lies. Take me where ever the ocean lies and I am content. Somewhere with bright city lights and cool air.But, interceptions between new york and santorini are welcomed to be suggested. thank you.

Whats the key thing blogging has taught you?

Writing is all about expressing  not impressing. Also, everybody has different literary styles, diction and delivery too. Stick  to yours.

If you had a time machine, would you go to the past or future and why?

yeah, the past is gone and I learn to let it go but ill go back just to make sure miss Eve left that damn apple alone.I mean, look at this mess. These fruits and veggies really never did us any good.

Sweet or savory?

Swavory… humour me, I can’t pick. God gave us all these options for reasons.

What is your favorite book of all times? would you recommend it?

Its got to be DONT SAY A WORD by Barbara freethy. As a young lass delving into the world of prose and all things literature, This was the first book to capture my attention and hold it. Till its last bits. I have read greater books but this is still my fav.

What are the top five things on your bucket list?

I truly do not have a bucket list. I keep trying to make one, no avail. but here are a few things I guess i’d like to do.

1.visit 30 countries by 30

2.Ferry trips: I’d like to go on a ferry where you live on for couple of weeks, inter city visits and stops, organised concerts, a pool and all the fancy stuff.

3. learn to fly a plane. genius no?

4. Take acting or interior decoration classes , maybe get a degree.

5. sky diving: if death really is near.

What is your favorite thing about your blog?

Its theme.

Give five facts about your.

1.I dont fancy not knowing stuff. ignorance is never a good mood.

2.I fancy spending time alone. something about dark rooms and music.

3. Every time I  share something personal, I get sad.

4. I think spring is the prettiest weather.

5.I would like to be given the opportunity to not understand plantains without my african card being revoked.

Tell me something about my writing that you love, or dont love.

I absolutely love your imagery. I have the attention span of a gold fish so length would be my least favorite thing.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what is the answer?

Great, since you asked. I would have loved to be asked what my bank account number was or  if you could get me a blank ticket. The answer is yes.  please make it a trip to turkey Antalya thank you.

AND NOW…..MY 11  QUESTIONS….

1.what’s the most useless talent you have? how did you dicover it?

2.would you rather lose all your pictures or all your money and why?.

3.Would you rather  be alone for the rest of  your life or surrounded by irritating people for the rest of your life.

4.What’s your dream vacation and why?

5. what’s something you think everyone looks stupid doing? why?

6. what’s usually the first impressions people usually have of you? are they usually true?

7.what do you think of my blog?

8. what’s your greatest fear? why?

9. Give 3 of your unpopular opinion.

10. do you think your friends enemies should automatically be your enemies and why?

11. do you believe in soul mates? do you think there’s more than one for everybody? do you think everyone meets their soulmates?

I’d  like to nominate:

moyoisamazing
aderonke

ipeniwrite
little fears
sauce box

tendrils
HarsH ReaLiTy

now, please all who have been nominated, we have few rules …
The rules are:
Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you and display the award logo.
Answer 11 questions that the blogger sets you.
Nominate blogs that you think are deserving of the award.
Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.
Let your nominees know about their nomination!

congratulations guys…

thank youmemoirs of alexander

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here, Foreign

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Where I come from, you do not say your deepest wants for fear of who is passing.

Everything is a completion. you have troubles, I know still, They are not bigger than mine. You are the happiest human alive, you must learn to wear this camouflage till you have enough privacy to nourish your truth; sadness.

You mustn’t be sad too long either, it is impossible to have your depressions kill you, there are demons in your fathers house already nailing your coffins. Gather your strength, you must bury them all. Death by fire and holy water.

You can wear your happiness but do not parade it too long. Truly, do not parade it at all, you have no such rights. Tell your good news only to your lover at home. Actually, do not tell him, the gods from his village  maybe listening. They may grown resistant to the fire that burnt your family’s juju.

You must lock your flight details in your minds safe. A million times it has been said, tell not a single soul. You must trust no one, your mother has echoed it enough, the world is dangerous.

Where I come from, you have not lived until you have danced the dance of suffering. you are only half alive if you have life easy.                                                                                            Where I come from, you can not have life easy, who is your daddy?                                          we will take good things but only in  bouts, The lights must come on but not for too long. Nothing very constant or fear sets tents in your hearts.

Still, where I come from, resilience is abundant. We love from our souls and feed our love to you. Sharing is second nature. Everybody’s spice comes together and dinner is served. Your neighbour is always your sister until branded enemy by the preacher man.

Sitting in winters hold, home calls me, the hustling and bustling of the markets, comradeship, Saturday morning, the aroma of your neighbour’s cooking..red oil and purple onions..

here, no mans land.

The gag.

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funny,

My ex lover said I was selfish still, he only put himself first, second and fourth too. I could come in third but 3 is a crowd he told me once. My lover told me he had never felt the depth of attraction he felt for me. when we met, he said he was drawn to broken people. I spoke of this tale to my friends but they asked that I be more open minded, they suffocate me with their analogies but they are My small circle, a closed group.

My therapist told me he had no one to talk to about his troubles. I was in search of clarity and windows to openness so I listened. He said his daughter died from a tumour in her brain. she was a neurosurgeon. I found this hilarious so I laughed, this is how I was diagnosed with misplaced emotions.

I talk too much, I share very little.The sessions did me no good so I went to my priest. He taught me of God, his unconditional love and how he hates me for all my iniquities.  My troubles came as consequences of my sins he said. My soul was dead and satans minions had chained me to hells graves. Fortunately, there was hope for me he said. If  I walked the walls of  repentance, Graced his sheets quietly enough and stood in my truth. I had never met a more gracious fibster.

I decided, I would get rid of my troubles alone so I searched google for all the ways to set my old soul on fire. I got 27,310 matches. I realized then I wasn’t gassed enough to start a fire. I have left that fit for the arsenics.

well,

none of this has brought me clarity or pulled the lid my mind has been said to have however, I’m off to have a chit-chat with my closed friends.

I know, this wasn’t funny.

 

Shifty.

 

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Make of this what you will.

I am grown and tired.

The chase, the guess ,inane games.

I will reiterate, please listen.

I’m too grown for this , lost my auction at assumptions gates, the will to stand shifty tides, sort through mixed signals and read between ill, faintly crafted lines. The world is moving and I must scurry along with it.

I have no room for guesses or tic tac toes on where you stand.

are you here or there?’,

this is no lovers brawl, no tug of war either. I have given enough self, I must preserve what is left for me. Regrettably, I have left too much space for your frivolities, and wished for too long that you abandon juvenile manners. Time has taught me to careless for drifty ways.

I will not read minds, poetry awaits.

I will not chase, I have given up feline ways.

I will not plead for intentionality or open honesty.

I will not bleed for trust, still, I’ll stay worthy of it.

I will not push for transparency or leap out of comfort zones to comprehend the unsteadiness of your tides.

I will not intently open my souls doors for you, still I shall not close them. I refuse to present you with the chance to betray my efforts. Again.

I will not wait to catch hints and pick up crumbs of real intent. I simply do not have the time. Frankly, I care not for wavering allies.

Come if you will, stay if wish, go if you please.

whatever you please, be intentional.

meh….

Everything but nothing.

Grey is the blandest colour. It doesn’t scream but isn’t drowsy either. it swings on a fence just enough to not be completely ignored. how meh, It is the blandest feeling too. Nothing  is wrong but nothings right either.

Some days, dawn comes with its party, other days it drags melancholy with it. You feel peace but you don’t quite taste happiness still, far from sadness.

My tongue doesn’t know me sometimes, other times it amazes me. how can one have everything but nothing? be so much but so little? how does one be sunlight and still carry this much gloom. Its not sadness, just gloom.

Many, many friends but still no one. Be so loved but easily discarded. usefully useless, accommodated but not accepted. alone but surrounded.

 

what is it when you feel everything but nothing?

not enough sadness to be pitied not enough happy to be noticed

oh so tastefully bland. grey.

 

wolf and woman.


shape shifter.

There are a few things I find completely amazing.  ‘woman’ is somewhere after God and before medicine. Really, think about it. have you see anything more astounding?

Youjin Lee 이유진:

I am out  having lunch with a friend who is the epitome of a strong, independent and easily intimidating if  your man guts aren’t firmly rooted. somewhere between her oven knuckles and our almost heated debate her man friend calls. My girl goes from fire breathing to vanilla voice and wind soft. I am perplexed. I realize then that this is power gifted to us by Phanes. The  ability to change swiftly,go from fire to ice in a second. Get an attitude for a lover but bend voice, distort body, speak honey before favours are asked. Brew his Ego, butter him up, feed him mirages of power then ask what it is and receive graciously mother told me once,you must learn the art of shape shifting.

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There are brands of magic not all can experience. the art of child birth. Although it is a mans world, this one power they will never have, a brand of intimacy the male specie will never  afford. I imagine it to be a pretty bitter,sweet and scary experience. of scary things I do not write.

Jacqueline Bissett is an illustrator, expertized in Hand drawn and book illustrations:

 

Hellen of troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. 

Countries will go to war, brothers turn foes, years of friendship crumble at her feet, man loses his will, his wit, man dines with sheep. My good friend once entertained thoughts of leaving his job cos his lover fancied men of a different profession. I couldn’t fathom this for days,Some men have left wives, neglected kids and morals for  mistresses who have mastered the art of finesse. still, its a mans world they say, a moment of laughter, now silence. There is great make believe at work.  The art of finesse.

 

I have learnt, there are things one simply doesn’t get in the way of. A woman deep in love, a woman scorned, a woman with a mission, A mother fighting for her kids. A wolf watches, learns from her. similarities.

 

                                                   some days,

                                      I am more wolf than woman.

                      I am still learning to stop apologising for my wild   ~Nikita Gill.     

bougie

Overlook The City.:

I have always thought, it would be nice to live by the sea. To be sent to bed by the peaceful bustling of beach waves. Something about peace, serenity and its beauty makes me humbled.

I have dreamt of weaving through a city with bright night lights, to be wakened by croissants and butter dancing in its air at dawn. something about baking and pastries makes me think of goodness and tranquil dust.

snippets of a life that’s not mine.

 

what do you think of?

 

 

 

Wanderer.

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I like the word random, how it doesn’t refer to anything in particular , just something random, like thoughts and random posts. how random. There is nothing particular about this post.

I wonder sometimes if the sun  tires from shining or if the moon kisses the stars wrongly some days so they get mad at each other and have a brawl over who comes out that night.

I wonder if God ever tires of  being God, cos truly watching us wallow in our cycle of sins  must get painfully exhausting. I also have questions about God, life and heaven but I think voicing them would be blasphemy so I never ask.

I wonder why humans suffer, why peace never comes and evil seems to be on an all time best roll.

I think of how ironic it is that best friends make the best enemies .If love is the greatest gift, how is it never enough sometimes? Nothing is ever sure. Today you could be served on a Gold platter but tomorrow you’ll be serving.

I think of mothers that never see their kids grow, children that never get to have parents, people who never feel love and how much hate we have in the world. Being mean is the new cool. using another seems to be the order of the day. caring too much is the fastest way to die young, being nice is a good way to build yourself a coffin.

Here we are millennials, grown babies,living fast. How is it that the wokest of all generations seems to be the most lonely? the darnest things hit the news everyday and for a second, just a second fear for the future grips me. In these moments, I seat down and I’m  be humbled by how drastic change can be. how a second can be the difference between life and death. how a post, a like, a tweet, a new slang can trigger a whole generation.

I think about time, how precious it is, how easy it is to waste, how vexing it is when another wastes yours. I think about the complexity of emotions, anger, sadness, happiness. how do we feel them? what exactly do we feel? learned behaviour?. I think about time again and how its 3:45am now, I should be asleep, but as a millennial you already know insomnia is only for cool kids.

I think about how random these thoughts are, how I might never get answers .wanderers mind.

3am rituals.

 

 

 

 

 

‘They’

There is nothing romantic about suffering.

 

I am constantly torn between ‘all or nothing’ and  ‘half a loaf beats none’. Why cant I have a whole loaf? what good is half when it only angers my hunger? why must I be okay with half baked everythings, love, food,sucess, happiness? cant one have it all? demand it even.

Sometimes I am convinced,we are so used to pain we don’t want anything else. Cant expect anything else.

I have gotten into feuds and blood roiling  arguments with good friends cos I cant understand why they must stay with a lover that hands them half baked love. They are visibly trying more, want more and are sometimes constantly telling tales of their lovers disregard or laxity towards them. soon as I  suggest they demand more or walk away , I become Dj khaled’s “they” or they conclude that I do not understand cos I am single or have never really been in love. This is usually where lines are drawn as emotions are skipping dangerously, words are geared to hurt and to be very honest, I am tired of them being tired of their lovers not giving enough.

I have also often wondered do they not love themselves enough?. I know they deserve better, do they not know the same?. Is everybody so scared of being alone that we would all take passive lovers, past memory  partners (i.e, he is nice. One time he got me ice cream) great, guess you only needed  ice cream once. (they text you after months and you throw a party) . If this is what being in love entails I should be glad I’m out of it.

 

Then, dare you decide or refuse to  participate in this suffering. LMAO.

you must think you’re special.

I say I don’t understand why a man who claims to love me can’t be consistent, be nice to me, text me regularly, make an effort, they say I am high maintenance or living in fairy tales. well I am sorry I think a lover should at least  have basic human characteristics.

And who am I to have dreams bigger than me. loool. They say you are dreaming, these things don’t happen this way, life doesn’t work that way, you can dream but it may not come true.

On  marriage and other stressful things:

I think I need a brand new post for this.

Have you tried asking  people why they get into unhappy marriages, become worse versions of themselves everyday and still don’t walk away from such toxicity?. Something about pain and stress just makes us want to stay, brings out our resilience…

 

Pain is addictive I have realised…

 

There is so much I feel we become comfortable with just cos having one is better than none…Our jobs, evil bosses, friendships, you name it. how ever I feel love, dreams and marriage are some we just are so annoyingly happy to endure…

Young, Unreal, delusional, hilarious are some of the tags I have been giving cos of these questions . Maybe I am all those things, Ill rather be those than unhappy, suffering or romanticising pain.

but what do I know?488378140